Bestow Upon me
by Truth is an unexistent lie
Summary: Rated M for sex & drug reference. Rogue killed Remy, or so she thinks. Denial is the sweetest of all the sins. Knowing what you think would not hurt you,is the best scape she can take. He would never allow himself to give up on her,even if he has to lie.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer – Marvel owns the characters but not the idea, and if they do. Sorry I did not know. I am poor, no point in a sue.

**First fanfic!** Please Read and Review, I need as much insight and opinions as I can possibly get. Constructive criticism is welcomed but please be kind in writing them.

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I killed him. I know I did. At least I think I did. But if he were still alive would he still love me? I know I did, but why shouldn't I? He knew that I was poison; he knew that I was troubled, he still went after me, and now I killed him. 

Remy, my Remy, I killed him and I have no idea as to know if it was ever true or the reason why I committed such crime.

I keep saying I killed him, but I am not sure I did. Maybe I wish I hadn't killed him and I hope I didn't.

Why do I have to be here? Troubled in my sleep and in my reality? Why couldn't I read the signs said to me like I should of?

Did I do a mistake and killed the only hope of happiness I had? I think I loved him. At least I thought that until I couldn't hear my thoughts anymore.

I need help. I really do. The voices talk to me now, but I know that they are not my own. Why do I have to be the one that does the bad and never commits the good?

I killed him and I hope I haven't. I make no sense and yet here I am talking and contemplating the fatality of the kiss. The kiss that was as sweet as the nectar of a fruit, but why did I want to kill him.

If he really is alive, like half of me hopes he is and half does not, would I be able to face him after what I have done?

Why is he insisting, even in my head, I have committed no crime, when everyone inside my head says I have, and I agree for once?

I don't deserve to live, I really don't. The truth is, I loved him so. I denied it to myself and even to my heart. All those times I had the chance, I never took it. Because I am, a coward and I pride myself in the mask I have.

Will he forgive me if he wakes up? If he ever does? I feel his soul wandering inside me, but some part thinks that he is not complete. It wasn't like it was with Carol. He does not torment me, but I still feel him. Burning through my soul like a hot knife inside the butter.

Do I deserve to die? The crimes I have committed in the past never felt as faulty and sinful as the one I have committed now.

My love, my pain, my happiness and my misery was all him. Remy my Remy, the love and hate that slept inside me. The one that touched the untouchable without the physical. The one that killed my soul with his eyes and made it go to heaven. The one that never let me see more than what he wanted.

Maybe that is why I killed him, because I hate myself more than I hate him for the change he has done in me. The love is stronger they said, but now I doubt it because that never saved me in the end. The hate fed me, yet I do not know where it came from.

Maybe it was his past and his own self-hatred that lead me to this. Here I sit now in the dark, knowing that he is changing my guilt to his. I wish he were dead in my head and not in real life. Wishing grants me nothing and doing allows me more pain.

The devil himself was what he was. The touch of woman was what he flaunted and praised as air. I hated it because I was never the one to give such pleasure.

The nights we spent behind a sheet of self-control. I know my frustrations drove him away just like his love for life killed me inside.

Every time he came to me. I could smell the kiss of another woman and the sex of someone that was not me. We were never one as lovers, but I loved him so.

He said he did, but I know he never committed to the lie that was beneath. The love wasn't complete and that is what killed him. What killed me and what is killing me now.

My redemption is denied and I face it so.

Everyone tells me I was never wrong and everything would be all right. I look at them and laugh, because I know that after this, nothing would be all right, just like it never was in the beginning. They all lie and I can see it. I can see it like the blood that falls on the water. I can smell in their breath and I can sense it in their voice.

I hate everyone for denying my fault. The pity they feel when I walk in the halls. They think I don't know and I pretend not to notice. I am well aware of the pity looks and the pity company they share with me.

I wish none of them near me. I want them away from me. The only one I want cannot even talk or function. He is just a breathing corpse that shows no sign of life and little brain activity.

I laugh at that. The fact that I never thought he thought much. The stupidity that I thought he represented and now is just my reminder that he was more than that. More than a man who wanted to touch, and more than the man that wanted to love me.

I wish I was dead, but dying scares me. Knowing that if he lived I could never say I was sorry. I want to live next to his breathing corpse, so when he wakes up I can see the surprise turn into hate, knowing it was me who did that to him.

The one that took the life away, just like I did with Cody and Carol. Just like the suicide people that want to get near me and are killed by my skin.

I wish no forgiveness, just the hate that I deserve. I want to go back to the past but fly to the future. Maybe this is all a dream and I will be awake. Maybe this is my punishment for the crime I made.

I love him and I cannot say I do. I don't deserve the word and I don't deserve the love. I made it my choice to be the one alone. I cannot stand my choice but I find myself living with it. I hate it that I did this and I hate it that I cannot bring myself to end it.

It will be so much easier if he would have just died, or at least hated me for what I did. I know he never will because I can hear his voice in my head telling me that it was never a crime but a dream to touch the lips that no one ever had. The lips that stole his power in the first try and the second touch brought me to this position. The one in which I say to myself. I killed the love of my life.

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She thinks she killed me, but I know she is wrong. I can feel it in my bones, and I know is not my time to go.

My love, my pride, my Rogue, never did anything wrong and as much as I tell her that she did not crime; she confuses herself with her voices and her choice. Her choice to bestow such tender lips upon me those were too soft to be ever skin.

The gift she gave me was an eternal bliss, just being some part of her; I know I have lost forever. The other part of me lies in my breathing body. Half my soul I gave to her, and half my soul I kept to myself.

I know I will live again. In the body, I was born in and the body I repulse because it has not the love of her.

She hates herself and I know why, it is because of the love I cannot bring myself to give her but to other strangers with legs. If she knew that, they all will never be her. If she knew that, it was her face I dreamt of her in the body bellow me. If she knew that it was her name I called and sometimes if my imagination and alcohol level allowed me, I could always see her face.

The love I shared with her is everything priceless in this world we call Earth. Rogue my Rogue; she thinks she has killed me when she has given me the life I wanted.

To live inside of her, to be an actual part of her. I want her to know that I know how much it hurts. I feel it in her soul and in her cluttered mind. I know that in her, she can find herself to see the truth of me. I know that it will be her that should hate me and not herself.

Deserve her I have not the right to claim. I am unworthy of the precious stone she is and she cannot see it for herself. I wish for her to see it and that is my gift to her.

I will rely on her life to continue mine. I will live inside her until I know that she will be fine. She will learn to love me besides my faults, or so I hope. She will learn to love herself as I love her.

The face of her remains unseen, and her beauty is too blinding for people to look. I know that she is oblivious to the fascination she is to the world. I know that she ignores the catcalls and the hungry looks, like I wear, when she walks into the room.

She makes a green of eyes look like a pool of emeralds too bright to be truly seen. She loves my eyes and she is the only one to speak of such beauty about them.

She does not know that her skin is not a skin of the mortal but of the Gods. That she is not poison but a pure celestial being far too perfect to be damaged and touched. She does not know that she hides the power of it. That unlike the mere mortals we are, she stands above the rest. That no one is scared to be close to her but feel unworthy of her presence and love. She thinks the worst of them, because to her, life was never a piece of cake.

She knows pain like no one does, and I ask myself, why a creature like herself deserves the pain of a demon.

If she only knew how I saw her in my dreams. If she knew what I did to her in my dreams. Tasting her skin like water for the thirsty. Loving her like, she was the chance for sickness to be gone in the world. Admiring her like, she was the only real God worthy of praise. Holding her, just holding her, and letting her lie there.

She is to me what nothing is to you. She means the most to me like she will never do to herself. She is an inspiration for chance and a chance to turn the ugly pretty. She makes the life of hers seem like the rest's lives were just a hammock in the beach.

I love her so and I cannot prove it to her. The gift she gave me is the only chance of her love to be mine. I know I am selfish, just wanting her to myself. Love does to you what no other emotion does to anyone. It makes you see what wrong right is. It makes you see the evil good, and it makes your pain the pleasure in life.

Her love is the most I want in this life, I want to live in her and be a part of her. I want to touch her where no one ever has. I want to be her, just to know what it is like. I want her to be me as I am to her. I want her to be the one that knows me from the start.

Her meeting me was much too late. I wish I were born next to her. Grow up with her. Know everything about her. Rogue my Rogue; she does not know I made her do what she calls killing. I made her give me the life I wanted, I tell her, and she ignores me.

The voices torment her, and I want to make them pay. I want to kill Carol just for making her want to kill herself. I want to kill Cody because he made her not be the same. He touched her skin when no one else did. The virginity of her was tainted by that horrid mistake. Her traumas I want to erase. I want to be her life, so she could live in me. I want the perverted, the pure, the sick, and the sane, if they all have her.

My love for her is more than an obsession. It is my life, her eyes are my stars, and her body is my galaxy. She is everything to me. She is the nothingness in the world.

I want her to be mine. I want her to know I love her; I want her to live so I can love her, I want to hurt the ones that touch her, and I want to be the one that keeps her.

All for my Rogue, my dear and beautiful Rogue.

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Do you love it or hate it? Should I continue or completely stop? I need as much help as I can get. This is my first attempt at fanfic so please be kind in helping. 

Thank you


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer – I do not own the X-Men evolution or any of the character. I make no profit in this. Only imagination used in the process of the making.

Review replies are on the bottom.

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They were part of someone, she always told herself, every night before bed. She knew the desires and the needs of every single person in her head.

The dreams were turning into fantasies that were not her own. She looked at them over and over again, wondering what they meant.

She was sure she was going crazy. She had to. Life was not forgiving her, she was sure of it, but why did it come to paint itself like this, now out of all the times.

The feeling of pleasure came in those dreams. It had to be her punishment for killing Remy. She wanted to believe it so, and it would be what she believed and refused to acknowledge.

She missed his presence, but the Remy in her head would always come to console her with his opinions and thoughts.

She found herself liking nothing but solitude. Her interactions with the occupants in the mansion became lessened with her presence.

She repulsed their company, yet she always found herself wondering why. The cries of anguish came one day. Breaking in the air like crystal on a cement floor at the point of a collision.

The cries of another _past_ love, of another_ girl_ that was not hers but Remy's.

_Belladonna_, her name sounded beautiful. The beauty emitted was like radiation from the sun in a summer afternoon. Her pain came back when she heard her scream, Belladonna's scream.

The words still played in her head.

"Dat monstrosity killed mon cher. I will kill de bitch. I will kill her. Mon amour, mon cher, mon vie, mon mari"

It echoed and tormented her. The shock accompanied by millions of opinions to add in the equation of misery.

"You shoulda known better Stripes."

"I cannot believe you will fall for trash like that, Rogue. You are a disgrace."

"**Fuck you! Leave me alone. Just leave me alone**."

"You know Rogue, it's like your fault she's, like totally going ballistic and stuff. YOU did this to Remy"

"**Arrête! Enough! Shu' up all of you!**"

"**Chère, don't listen t' none of them. It's not like dat you didn't bring her here. It's not your fault chère. It's not —**

"**Shut up! Leave me alone. You ain't my Remy. Tha real Remy would hate me. Ah'm just losing mah mind. Ah did it to him. Remy hates me, just like ya'll do**."

Tears, silence, tears and silence was everything that surrounded her. No one dared to come in or talk to her. She despised them all. All because they never blamed her and she wished they did, but they never would. The real people. The ones that she thought should punish her.

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He says he loves me but I know it's not him. The real him does not exist. I killed what I cared for and I must not touch.

The world is a hell and I wished he still walked among it. He visits my space, goes through my memories. I don't want his part here.

He is not my Remy. My Remy died when I kissed him. I hate my lips, I hate my skin. I only kill and give no life.

Who can love someone like that? Not Remy because he is godly. He is the Adonis to Aphrodite and my warning killed him just like Aphrodite to Adonis.

In this story, I created death and not a beauty and alive flower. I created a corpse that takes a breath through a stupid machine. I created murder-giving death to my loved one.

I kill what I touch and love. I'm only a weapon. I hate myself, I miss myself, I love myself. NO!

He's there again. Changing my thoughts. Making me look back when I never did.

I don't want to look back. I hate the past but he goes in it like a time machine and a rewind button to show me. Over and over and over again.

Every thought, every pain. I hate him, I love him, I killed him, I gave him life.

Nothing much makes sense. My thoughts betray me. His voice talks to me.

I want to leave. Just leave the conscious part of me. Live where he cannot remind me of what I've lost. Of what I did when I, _when I_, Rogue, killed him.

I wish I lived in some government were my sentence would be painful and humiliating. To be whipped to oblivion, to be stoned to death, fucked by a baboon, drowned with snakes.

Never die only in Remy's arms. There it happened again! He's messing with my head!

I feel him lurking in my so-called dreams. He makes them go away. He changes it, and it terrifies me.

His 'wantings' to happen. He shows me what should hurt me. The body of women he possessed with my face. Recollections of past sexual encounters with thoughts of me.

It tortures me; I hate myself for doing so to him. The pain is too much; I choke and lock him out.

Damn him for always finding a way in.

I find it ironic; he a 'thief', the place I should know best and control the most is the one place where he controls me now.

I'm a prisoner in my own mind. I know it as my punishment but I still do not fight for control.

I deserve it; _He_ says things he never did when alive. That's how I know he is not my Remy.

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She lets me control her. She lets me touch her; show her that I love her.

Yet she does not believe. I try to show her things, I wish not to hurt her with, but I know what she should know about.

It is my way of asking for a sorry and to come clean in a mind that it is not my own, but of the one I love.

My love gives up on me and I take more control. Her beauty of eyes goes away and my own show.

I catch her admiring them in her mind. The constant reminder that I live in her now.

Her past is her hatred factory. Her pain and misery. I want to erase them and paint it with colors and beauty.

The black in her soul and the white that should be pure but it really is pain, and it is what I only find there. I wish to take it away. I wish I could, but she doesn't hatch and the abyss grows bigger as I live in her.

She does not know why I fascinate myself with her past. I learn more of her, and the addiction of learning from her is worse that a habit of cocaine, heroin, meth, or opium.

Sometimes I would pretend I was there, in that moment of her past. Pretended to save her from her troubles while she, the damsel in distress, and I, the knight in shining armor, would come to save her from her misery.

I could manipulate her memories. Make her believe she never suffered and I was the one to give her happy moments. I restrain myself from the temptation of doing so, even it if kills me to know I could make it all better.

I haunted her dreams and made her see her past.

When my plan comes into play, she would figure it out in due time. She would see why I did it and I, Remy, the love of her life will return to the land of the living.

It would hurt me to so do; it will kill me to leave her. To leave this home in her mind that I made for myself. Where I can live and breath her in and know that it is all her and not contaminated with the rest of the Earth.

This is my home, my paradise, my heaven and my love. I would give up life, just for Rogue, just for her.

I try to take her negative and guilt away. She tries to stop me from talking to her. She loves me and she thinks I am not the same.

I wish I deserved her and that she didn't think of me as the one she could never have. She had me from the beginning; she had me since her eyes connected with mine.

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Thank you to –

Amakusa – My first reviewer! Thank you so much. That definitely boosted my confidence. I want to do that, keep the angst and everything, 'cause it would not be a Romy without it. I just hope you like it. Thank you for the review.

Promisesx – I know it is a little confusing. It is kind of the point. Not really knowing what is going on. I would explain it to you in detail but that would kill my plot. I will give you some of what I am going for. Part of Remy is in Rogue, not all of Remy, but some part. That is all I can say, but keep reading and I hope that you can understand where the dots are connected. Thank you for saying I'm a good writer, it feels nice to read it. This is my fist attempt at this so I am a little scared of what might happen in the future with this story.

I hope you both enjoyed this chapter.

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To all those who read it. I would appreciate it if you reviewed. Just say what you think and if you like it or not. Constructive criticism is one of the best things a person writing a story can have. Thank you. 


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